BUILDING THE LIFE YOU WANT

Over the next few months, I'll be basing my articles on this "12 Steps to Happiness" post.

Living a balanced life and finding lasting happiness is not easy. Our world changes so much so rapidly that we can hardly keep up, and I'm not just talking about new technologies. Society's ever-changing take on what constitutes acceptable behaviour, morals or even table manners leave many of us confused and feeling like relics of better days long gone. What used to be taboo is now hip (or, in / cool / phat / tight - whatever the current adjective is), and what used to be flavour of the month is now stale garbage. Why, then, when we have no problem with throwing away or replacing mobile phones or sunglasses every season, do we find it so hard to let go of grudges or embarrassing memories as if our lives depended on them?

Three years ago, your best friend kissed the guy you were dating and you haven't spoken to her since. You never heard from that guy again either, and you can't even remember his name, because you found the love of your life soon after. Now you're about to get married and that best friend of yours is not going to be there. You miss her, but you cannot let go of that feeling of betrayal and disloyalty. You think you'll never be able to trust her again, but at the same time you want her back in your life. What's keeping you from picking up the phone and giving her a call?

Last year, your grandmother died and you couldn't fly back home for the funeral. You felt and still feel terrible. Your family understands, nobody is giving you a hard time, but you can't help yourself - you feel guilty for not being there and thus suspect Uncle Marc and Aunt Lisa are badmouthing you behind your back.

We're all people, and all people make mistakes. It's in our genetic make-up. It's just what it is. The way we deal with those mistakes is up to us. Should you invite the former best friend to your wedding and leave her alone with your husband at the rehearsal dinner? Maybe not. But giving more weight to one mistake than to the years and years of friendship might not be the answer either. Let it also be very clear that forgiving is not the same as condoning: if you do decide you are ready to let go of the pain and hurt feelings the situation caused you; that does not mean you have to meet up for lunch and catch up.

We'll be getting back to this in a later post, so suffice it to say here that living in the past by keeping painful, embarrassing or otherwise negative memories alive is of little value to your present pursuit of happiness. If there's nothing you can do to change the situation (which, let's face it, you never can with something that's already happened) the most productive way of looking at it is this: what can you learn from it, what tools does the experience give you so you're better equipped to deal with it should a similar situation arise in the future?

I understand that our past experiences are what made us who we are today, and that it can be very difficult to let go without a feeling of losing our foundation. The fact of the matter is, though, that holding on to bad stuff is holding us back, limiting us, stinting our growth. There are many excellent visualisation exercises out there to practice forgiving others as well as ourselves for making mistakes and not being perfect. I enjoy Louise Hay's affirmations and "letting it flow down the river" meditation. Do you have any favourites?

I invite you this week to think about who has done you wrong in the past and whom you have crossed, and how you could work on accepting what happened, making the most of it, and finding inner peace about it.

Til next time!

Over the next few months, I'll be basing my articles on this "12 Steps to Happiness" post.

Why are we here? What is our purpose? Are we just brains in a jar in somebody's lab? Are we meant to suffer? What is it all about? Is there a (enter deity of your choice here) with a plan that could add some meaning? Do we have a soul? Do we get second chances? Is there an afterlife? Douglas Adams so kindly pointed out that the world ends on a Thursday and that the answer to the question of all questions is 42 (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). Pity the folks who got the answer can't remember what the question was.…

If you're in your teens reading this, you might not have spent much time pondering this sort of thing, and that's ok. Or maybe you have, in which case your parents are probably worried that you're not quite hanging out with the kids they'd like you to. Either way, the purpose question in one from or another usually comes up for all of us eventually. For most, it's in their forties or fifties and then popularly called a mid-life crisis. Ordinarily, this is about the time you might find that investing most of your time into your career and being able to buy stuff and go on exotic vacation - though lovely - doesn't quite fulfil you on the inside. The esoteric and eastern philosophy nonsense you used to despise suddenly don't sound quite so ridiculously over the top anymore, and you might find yourself interested in a lifestyle different from the capitalist western model you're used to. Nothing to be afraid of, it's all about finding the middle ground that makes sense for you. I hear there's also a phenomenon called the quarter-life crisis now affecting mid-twens and early 30-year-olds, which might be a sign either of advanced insight in younger generations or accelerated aging in a fast-paced environment, I'm not sure.

It's one of many paradoxes that we are all individuals while at the same time wanting to be part of a group, a whole. I'm not sure whether it's in our DNA or a collective unconscious, but there does seem to be a universal feeling that there's something bigger than us "out there" and that we'd all like to feel we belong. I invite you to think about your perceptions of the world you live in, and identify in what ways you contribute to it. Are you surrounded by the ones you love? What gives meaning to your life? Why do you get up in the mornings? Have you ever tried giving instead of wanting? What would happen if you decided to check your ego at the door?

Personally, the more I think about communication between people, kids in gangs, adults at war, the homeless on the streets, parents losing their patience, the divorce rate, levels of education all over the planet, differences in opportunities, differences of opinion, religious fanatics - the list is endless! - the more disheartened I get. It seems so clear to me that all it takes are self-esteem classes and/or therapy for everyone thrown into the curriculum just one hour a week, starting in kindergarten, combined with teaching emotional intelligence and comprehensive sex-ed, and the world would be a better place.

That's when I have to take a breath and realise that nobody asked me and that everybody is entitled to do as they please, that's what we have free will for after all (though followers of the school of determination will disagree, naturally). Well, not everybody's fate is my responsibility, I'm not in charge of putting the world to rights. I'm only responsible for my own contribution to this currently messy planet, so I usually make sure said contribution comes from a place of love and understanding, empathy and consideration. I'm at peace with doing my best at sending out positive vibes into the cosmos, minimising my carbon footprint as well as misunderstandings, and making as much of a positive difference in my world as I can.

I'm not a politician, I'm no ambassador or diplomat, head of state, nurse, doctor or Mother Theresa - but I am willing to start with my own center and work outwards from there. As it turns out, I've chosen a helping and service profession in which I will hopefully get to see many many people reach their goals and have the chance to be a part of their lives for the period of time they allow me in. So, the pebbles I throw into the water may only ripple in small circles, but that's fine by me.

Until next time, take care.

Over the next few months, I'll be basing my articles on this "12 Steps to Happiness" post.

After you've done the exercise of getting to know yourself as described for example in this post, which behaviours do you find yourself regretting most often? Is there something that always gets you angry, upset or sad? Do you have routines or activities that have nothing to do with religious chores or obsessive-compulsive disorders? Are there people that just seem to rub you the wrong way?

Periodically, I find it helpful to look at life, where it's at, where it appears to be going, and how it got here in the first place. Behaviours and feelings play a great part in that equation. It is generally safe to say that we base most of our early behavioural learning on imitating our parents, as they are the first role-models children have. Without questioning or looking for rhyme nor reason, many adults repeat the patterns they learned in their childhood. Children of alcoholics, aggressive, or overly protective parents often follow in those same footsteps, and become challenged in similar ways when they reach adulthood. It makes sense to them because that is what they learned and grew up with. If it was good enough for them, why shouldn't it be good enough for their own children?

Well, because times change. At one point, everybody thought the world was flat, nobody except a handful of engineers ever imagined the world wide web would be useful, let's not even get into the butter vs. margarine discussion, and plenty people thought it was alright to physically chastise kids until a couple of decades ago. What are you doing today that is based on what you learned as a child?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to throw all that out of the window and make a 180º turn, just take the time to look at what you're doing and if it's really still helpful in your endeavours. In order to do get prepared for a change, and to make peace with your learning, it is important to make yourself aware of the positive aspects that your behaviours have. How did they serve your needs? How did they help you? What did they protect you from? Are those positive reasons still valid, or could they be replaced by something a little more up-to-date? For example, if it used to be fun to date around and be single, but lately you're feeling kind of lonely, could it mean you're ready to settle down? Would it make sense to go looking for potential partners in different places?

Stop doing things the way you always do them because that's how you've always done them. It's madness to expect a different outcome if you're not changing the process.

Til next time!

Over the next few months, I'll be basing my articles on this "12 Steps to Happiness" post.

Martin Luther King said, "I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

Albert Einstein said, "It is harder to crack a prejudice than an atom."

Mark Twain said, "You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus."

What is your favorite quote or saying about judgment, and how are your actions reflecting it? We live in such a polarised society when it comes to judging, I'm really not quite sure where to begin trying to make sense of it all. It's so confusing to hear some outspoken Christians say God is the one reserving final judgment, when on earth those same people speak out violently against gays and followers of different religions. It is confusing to try and keep an open mind when interacting with people, hearing a horror story, then taking circumstances into account and seeing those clear black and white lines disappear. I have a friend who's a judge, and with his job comes such tremendous responsibility I am in awe every time I think about how he is listening to statements and then having to make life-changing decisions. What would life be like is Mme de Staël Corinne's phrase, "to know all is to forgive all" were reality?

I grew up in a small town and was taught not to point fingers, but at the same time there was always gossip about one person or another. Mistakes were nothing private or personal, nor were they regarded as learning opportunities; they were fodder for the over-the-fence brigades of righteous know-it-alls. Everybody was talking behind everybody's backs and of course the gossipers knew exactly what the gossipees should do to get their life in order. I learned there's a fine line between the helpful embrace of a tight-knit community, and the stranglehold of a place and people that disregard the right to privacy and show no mercy. It was refreshing when I experienced the indifference and freedom of life in a bigger city later on.

Being on the move for the last 14 years I'd like to think the different cultures I've lived in and all the people I have met so far have helped broaden my horizon and open my mind a little bit. In fact, I'm sure it has. However, I still find myself forming an opinion about things and people upon the initial glance. Now, is that judging in the bad sense, or just expressing an opinion or a preference?

In any case, judging isn't always a bad thing. It is human nature to assess a situation on the go and it is sometimes lifesaving to decide on the spot when a person or an alley doesn't look trustworthy. It becomes a problem when you think all persons and all alleys are bad, when you're generalising one specific experience across the board. I also think judgment and prejudice become a serious problem if you're not willing to review and reassess your opinion after finding out more about what or whom you've been judging. You look at a fat person and think, "How can they not know when to stop eating?", when you're the one not knowing they have a hormone imbalance or a thyroid problem. Not everybody is the same, but everybody has feelings, and you'll find that out when you take the time to talk to people.

My friend has to make his decisions after careful deliberation, and it would have been nice if folks from my hometown could have shown the same consideration at times. It's ok, though, if they don't, because at the end of the day, "When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." (Wayne Dyer)

Til next time!

Over the next few months, I'll be basing my articles on this "12 Steps to Happiness" post.

This step has always been a little tricky for me, because although I see all sorts of shades of gray everywhere, at first glance I'm more comfortable if I can categorise into either black or white. In this case, I need to find the fine line between feeling good in my skin and still being open for improvement and learning that works for me.

I guess for many women (and an increasing number of men), accepting our body is the one thing we can't seem to achieve whole-heartedly. We accept our parents, our friends, our spouses, our children, even our children's teachers the way they are - amidst the occasional grumbling, granted - but generally we don't try to change them. We love the people close to us for who they are, not for what they look like. In a society with a multi-billion dollar weight-loss and plastic surgery industry, I can't help but wonder - when are we going to love ourselves for who we are?

In my ideal world, I think one possible solution to the never-ending new year's resolution of dropping x-amount of pounds is this: educate yourself. Raise your children in a way that allows them to build a healthy self-esteem, and teach them about the marvel that is the human body. I find it hard to believe anybody would fill their temples with the malnutrition that is fast- and processed food on a regular basis if they were aware of what it's doing to their arteries and inner organs in the long run, never mind cellulite. While I'm dreaming, here's to hoping our governments will find a way to subsidise organic fruit, whole grain and vegetable farms instead of the sugary and fatty foods producers they favour now. This would make finding unhealthy foods that much harder (I know) but also drastically reduce temptation. Imagine watching a TV movie without constant interruptions of fast-food advertisements? Bliss! Ok, that's probably another handful of decades away, but nobody thought it would happen for cigarettes either, did they, and numbers for obesity-related deaths can't be that far behind its nicotine counterpart.

What's the worst, then, that could happen if I truly accept and start loving myself? In a way, the sentence can be misunderstood as "I'm great, there's no need to change." That is not my intention here. There will always be victories to celebrate, and there'll always be room for improvement. Accepting myself means "I accept that I am not perfect, and I don't have to be." I have character flaws and feel insecure about the size of my behind, and that's ok. I recognise the paradox between needing to accept my human form and yet continuously striving for betterment, and that's ok, too.

Consequently, the best things about accepting myself are feeling adequate in every situation, not comparing myself to others but creating my own standards; knowing and respecting my limitations, and treating myself with the same love and consideration I have for my best friend.

Til next time!

Over the next few months, I'll be going back to the "12 Steps to Happiness" post from last week. When I wrote this entry, I found that I became a little bit more aware of myself, and I hope you might try this yourself while getting to know me a little bit better, too.

My name is Doris, and apparently that means "gift from the seas" in Greek. I prefer it when people call me Dee though. Sounds cooler, and I'd like to sound as cool as I can, because I'm not, really.

I like the sounds and smells of nature (yes, including manure - I find it nicer than exhaust fumes), most people, most things, and most places. Too general? Ok, I like especially when babies laugh that uninhibited way they do (actually, when anybody laughs), I like unpredictable movies and Grey's Anatomy, I like Sherlock Holmes, strawberries, inspiring people, the beach, my loved ones, and feeling peaceful.

I don't like rudeness, lies, feeling trapped, angry, useless or worthless. Things I think are rude: when people interrupt a conversation without notice and just leave, when people look at me and make up their minds i.e. judge by the cover. I don't mind "everyday rudeness" so much, like when cashiers or waiters roll their eyes at me for asking them for something out of the ordinary, because they are working and might just have a bad day.

As for lies, everybody has to find their own way there. I think I could withhold pieces of information if I think it's for the greater good, but generally I try to be honest with others and at peace with everything I say and do, which makes feeling embarrassed or ashamed and thus lying about things superfluous.

I feel trapped and angry and frustrated in conversations when words are being twisted in my mouth and I can't stay calm and find ways to express what I want to communicate. Sometimes the other person is just being rude and not understanding on purpose, which still makes me angry but I can usually breathe that away.

I sometimes feel useless and worthless when I look at the numbers I've contributed to our joint bank account or the numbers on my scale, but I'm taking active steps to remedy both situations, so I feel active, in control and good about myself. Besides, they're only numbers and don't really reflect the mensch behind them; no numbers do.

Others have been kind enough to tell me they think I'm funny, entertaining, creative, kind, a good listener, a good friend, even a good person. I've also been told I can be too much in my head, not allowing myself to be emotional, at times condescending and self-righteous. I think I'm always trying to be fair and viewing all possible sides, I view myself as an open, flexible, real, uncool and honest person. I still consider myself a yogi, although I haven't really practised in quite a few months now. Sometimes I'm judgmental, but that, losing weight and allowing the emotions in and then dealing with them appropriately and in the moment are things I'm happily working on.

Depending on the circumstances I am all of the above, plus a lot more.

In no particular order, I'm a woman, a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a godmother, a goddaughter, a friend, a wife, a sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law, a weightwatcher, a couch-potato, a neighbour, an acquaintance, a writer, a student and a coach. I am the sum of my past decisions and experiences, and the play dough for my future. I am neither the fears of my parents nor the limitations of my education. I am me, and the potential is endless.

Who are you?

Alcoholics Anonymous (and many other related programmes) have been helping people who suffer from addictions for many years. It has been questioned and criticised for its methods about the same length of time. I'm not here to defend or bash, but I've recently read their famous 12 steps and they got me thinking about how I would re-phrase them to reflect steps I've taken and want to continue to take towards a happy life. They're a work in progress and not absolute, so I reserve the right to adapt them according to my life's circumstances as we go along.

1. Get to know myself.
Who am I when there's nobody else around? How do others see me, how do I see myself, and is that all true all of the time?

2. Accept myself.
What's the worst that could happen if I truly accept and start loving myself? I am a grown-up, I am in control of my choices. I may carry baggage from my childhood, but it only has the power over me that I allow it to have. I have the strength and the responsibility to choose what is good for me now.

3. Stop judging, start loving.
How can I judge others if I've never truly known what they're going through? By the same token: why should other people's judgment worry me? My energy is better spent feeling empathy and compassion than spreading resentment and criticism.

4. Recognise and question behavioural patterns.
Why am I feeling and behaving the way I do in specific situations? Where have I learned that, who says I have to be like that? Once I know what I do in specific situations and why, is it really useful? If it's making me uneasy, can I find an alternative and try another behaviour that will yield the results I want?

5. Find my place and my position in the greater scheme of things.
What is it that moves me, that I want from life; what is my mission and purpose? What can I do in order to be the best version of me, what else can I learn to be of benefit?

6. Forgive myself and others.
I've made some wrong choices in the past, and hindsight is always 20:20. Considering the circumstances, I did what I thought was best at all times. When I realise now that I've made a mistake, I have the opportunity to own up, apologise, and change course by modifying the decision. I also have the choice in letting bygones be bygones, and rid myself of negative feelings.

7. Live in the present.
I cannot change the past, so I don't have to worry about it. I can influence my future, so I don't have to worry about it, either.

8. Live healthily.
My body and my mind are a unit. My feelings and my spirit are part of it. My wellbeing is influenced by the food I eat, the drinks I drink, the thoughts I think and the exercise I have. Loving myself means I respect my body's needs and recognise which ones are helpful.

9. Live without fear, embrace change.
Taking chances and making changes may be difficult, but I have to consider the alternative. If nothing ever happens to me, then n o t h i n g e v e r h a p p e n s to me. In other words, how can I expect different results if I keep doing the same things?

10. Recognise that all feelings are good and useful.
Of course I still have feelings of anger, frustration and fear, but I can turn them into a positive by asking what positive intention lies behind them. How are they working in my favour? What are they teaching me, what am I gaining?

11. Think positively.
Emotional Intelligence is not about not having negative thoughts or feelings anymore, it's about knowing how to manage them so they don't knock you over.
My mind is the most powerful organ I possess. Whatever concepts it can conceive, I can achieve, taking one step at a time. I consciously decide to think positively, because I can.

12. Behave in a congruent manner.
I know what I like, I know what is good for me, I respect myself and others, I am not afraid of my feelings or my potential - I can be true to myself and honest in my dealings with others. In this way, I hope to contribute what I can to make this world, my world, a happier place.

See you next time!

Another year is coming to a close, and we are all another year richer in experience.

I know I have learned a lot about myself and my limits, and as I am looking out to a scarlet sunset, I wonder what's still in store.
Whatever it is, I look forward to it.

Over the past couple of months I've been writing about competences I consider helpful for a happy and balanced, satisfying life. If you got interested and would like to learn more about them and others, please visit www.relationarte.com for more information and tools on how to evaluate and analyse your personal set of competences.

Thank you all for reading my humble thoughts, it has been a pleasure spending this time with you. I wish you a safe and joyous end of year, however you may spend it, and hope to see you again when I come back in a couple of weeks.

Until then, let me leave you with a quote that I think is quite fitting (for every day):

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential." Ellen Goodman

Learning comes in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes you imitate, sometimes you discover, then you remember or tap into your own experience. Learning takes place in formal and informal settings and is a process through which you gain knowledge and ability.

There’s more to it than storing information: you also need effective access to your memory, a keen eye for sensing your environment, the ability to link that to what you already know, apply it as well as recognise patterns. It is the basic requirement for adapting to your surroundings and your life, as it changes and broadens your horizon and helps you adopt updated versions of reality. Unfortunately, as is the case with so many other things: if you don’t use it, you lose it. Skills like speaking foreign languages that aren’t practised regularly are quite easily forgotten.

Continuous or life-long learning has more recently been used in the business world to encourage a pro-active workforce that keeps up to date with not only technological advances but also acquires skills that will allow them to multi-task. A few short decades ago, everything you learned in college or your apprenticeship were sufficient for your whole career – in the fast paced environment we live in now, this is no longer true.

Continuous learning does not necessarily mean getting as many degrees as you can – it has to do with learning how to learn from everything, i.e. from life itself. It’s not only about accepting responsibility for doing the best in your job but also for your self. Keeping an open mind and adopting a positive attitude, it's amazing how much opportunity for learning and improvement is out there!

Without compromising your values (see this post), as a life-long learner you are flexible, unafraid of and open for new experiences, all of which are useful to you in deepening your understanding of yourself, others and the world around you. You’ve known since your schooldays that you can learn anything if you have to… but it’s the stuff that really interests you that you easily master and reach levels of excellence. Keep an open mind, too: Thoughts like “I’ll never get this, I'm too old” or “I’m a girl, what do I know about quantum physics” have a way of proving themselves true eventually. Think and know that you can learn (from) anything you want to.

The recently deceased multi-talented Paul Watzlawick coined the phrase: you cannot not communicate.

Communication is so much more than learning a language and talking: it works on many different channels using not only words but also non-verbal elements like pictures, music, movement, signs, behaviour and writing, as well as your visual, olfactory, auditory and kinaesthetic senses. You may not even be aware of your eye-rolling, the fear or excitement you’re feeling (and sweating out) or that dismissive hand-gesture, but you’re sending signals 24/7.

Technically speaking, communication is an intentional and reciprocal process that occurs between a sender and a recipient with the purpose of exchanging information. Getting your message across correctly depends on your ability to adhere to the cultural and grammatical rules in terms of content as much as it does on your sensitivity. The cultural aspect is one that interests me no end, by the way, so I will try and come back to it in future posts.

Every message has different levels and there are barriers to communication that go beyond merely speaking the same language: you may know what you want to say, but can you guarantee that it will be understood and interpreted the way you intended? No, you cannot.

Thankfully, practise makes perfect! Paying attention helps, too – instead of just hearing what is said, try to actively listen. Keep an open mind, take notes, and when you’re unsure about a message you’re receiving, ask in a non-judgemental fashion what was meant before you jump to conclusions. When you’re the sender, encourage questions and summarise or rephrase using different vocabulary to make sure people are hearing what you really want to say.

Especially in your relationships with other people, you will find it rewarding and helpful to communicate openly and honestly. Going back to what we discussed earlier, I encourage you to communicate as congruently as possible with the people around you. Why not try for at least one day this week to listen to your insides while talking to others? You can then incorporate your feelings into the equasion and if you dare to voice them and talk about them, maybe the outcome of that chat you've been dreading will surprise you.

Resilience has been described as the competence to overcome obstacles, the will to never give up, the ability to reach one’s goals despite setbacks, the power to learn from mistakes and adapt to change, as well as an important indicator for mental health. Resilience does not mean cold-heartedness, ignorance, absence of or dismissing of emotions. Rather, it is the indicator of how we deal with our crises, how it affects our reactions to ourselves and others, as well as our coping strategies and subsequent outlook for the future.

Everyone faces challenges in life, and everyone is entitled to define the level of crisis for themselves according to how they experience it. Resilience helps with your state of mind, the mood you’re in and it’s a good way to go if you want to prevent or help with depression.

Let it also be known that no level of resilience will prevent you from ever having a bad day, that’s a given and a fact that everybody has to deal with. What I cannot stress enough, though, is that because of the choice you have, you are responsible for your life and for the actions you take. It is your choice what you think about a situation, how you react to it and how you deal with its outcome. You choose to be upset just like you can make the conscious decision to be happy. I've put my foot in it I don't know how many times. But if we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try it again, the experience will be put to good use. We learn from our mistakes, and try, try again, which, ladies and gentlemen, constitutes as resilience.

As you learn more about yourself, and as you learn to accept yourself as you are (see last week's post), you will strengthen your self-esteem and self-confidence. It is from this confidence in yourself that you will find the confidence to trust others and the world around you. This trust will enable you to see the positive side of things and develop an optimistic outlook towards the future. Although bad things happen, they hold in themselves lessons you were meant to learn in order to grow and make you the person you are meant to be. With resilience you will learn to accept what life throws at you without losing your footing.

It is alright to want to take responsibility and deal with things by yourself, but your resilience will benefit if you let others in, build a circle of people you trust, ask them for help and then accept the assistance they offer. You may not have learned this particular lesson in your childhood, but it is not too late to make a start now – you’ve already found your way here, haven’t you?

Carl G. Jung says, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”


In today’s colloquial understanding, self-awareness is a term that ties in with self-confidence, self-acceptance and social awareness. Namely, it signifies the knowledge you possess about yourself, your place in the world and your relationships with the people around you. The knowledge about what motivates you, what your likes and dislikes are, what you feel, why you feel it, how you influence and are influenced, what makes you tick.


I invite you this week to become aware of your feelings and your physical state in different situations, then take a moment to think about what happened and why. Do you always react the same way? Why do you think that is? What goes through your mind when you’re upset? Is there anything else you could think that would be more productive? There are no wrong answers if you are open, honest and without judgement. Remember: you are the only person you will have to live with for the rest of your life, so you may as well know who you’re dealing with.


Self-awareness is the first step for taking responsibility for your life. You can’t know where you want to go if you don’t know where you’ve been, where you are now and how you got there. Your experiences made you who you are, take the time in finding out exactly who that is and the benefits are guaranteed!


The more you know and accept who and what you are by your very own definition, the less other people’s comments will faze, influence or break you. Once you are self-aware, you will be able to listen to other people’s comments without feeling obliged to believe or be defined by them. You will learn to try feedback on for size with the power to reject it with no hard feelings, or accept it without judgement. You will recognise it if there is something you want to change and be able to take the necessary steps to get to where you want to be.

I'd like to take this entry and talk some more about something we touched on in this post a few weeks ago.

Allow me to paint you a wee picture. It's holiday season and we're looking through the window into the house at the end of the street. The whole family is there and about to sit down for a nice meal. The table-legs are aching under the weight of the splendid foods offered, there's a fire crackling in the corner and the mood is festive and happy. The young couple is a bit nervous as this is one of the first proper family encounters with the new in-laws. You see the woman take the first bite and choke - wow, she really doesn't like that food! She can hardly swallow without grimacing, poor thing... Why is nobody else screaming in horror? They all seem to be enjoying their meal!

She gently taps her mouth with the napkin and sits still for a moment. The way you see it, she has two options: tell the truth and disappoint/insult/anger the cook and face a possible argument with her spouse or be sick for the next three days.

What would you do?

The answer I'm going for is to tell the truth, and I don't see why that should create a problem. Yes, time and effort have been spent in order to prepare that meal, and she's the only one at the table who seems to have a problem with it while all the others are digging in and helping themselves to seconds. But there is a way to make everyone happy, and that's to behave in a congruent manner.

Congruence is a term most of us have tried to avoid since highschool geometry and algebra, but fret not - in the words of Billy Connolly: I have no intention of going there. In this case, congruence is the term for being true to yourself. I mean this not just in a fashion-sense, but rather in your dealings with yourself and in your relationships with other people. You may find it has to do with self esteem and honesty. As far as I'm concernced it's all interlinked, which means by changing one behaviour (or even just your attitude), you can change them all.

To be congruent implies that you laugh when you're happy and cry when you're sad, and what's more - you don't feel bad about it. You live according to your values and you're not afraid to admit to your fears. Being congruent also means giving unpleasant feedback, but if you find a way to communicate without putting blame on the other person, nobody's feelings will get hurt. In this case, the young woman has the option to thank the host for the wonderful meal and acknowledge the love that went into making it. She should then also be able to confess that it is not to her taste and ask if she can go fix herself a sandwich.

There's no point in being overly mortified or humble, because she should not have to apologise for her taste. She may want to acknowledge it if she thinks the situation is awkward, but I'm convinced the less of a deal one makes of it, the easier it will be for the host to gracefully accompany you to the kitchen and point you towards the pantry. After all, nobody's attacking them as a person, and if their self esteem is intact, i.e. not depending upon everybody loving their food, they will see that this is just a case of someone preferring their meals prepared in a different manner. The easiest comparison here is that not everybody loves steak, and even amongst those who love it, they don't all eat it done equally.

Over the next few weeks I'd like to talk some more about self esteem and congruent behaviour, and give you some markers what to look out for as well as some tools to work with.

Til next time!

For those of you unfamiliar with the Billy Connolly reference, you can watch the stand-up sequence here. Caution, contains explicit and strong language!

Are you looking forward to the holidays or is it more a dreading of the pies and the family get-togethers? Well, if the latter, what can you do now to prepare and make this year's festivities great and enjoyable ones?

I don't know about you, but I roll my eyes at the Santas adorning the shop shelves in August. That's just way too soon to be thinking about that stuff. But now... we're in November already, and time flies, so six weeks of preparations for the holidays might just be what could keep you (and me!) sane this year. (this is not even counting the US Thanksgiving, cos that's in 20-days' time. ;-))

How about writing a couple of Christmas cards every night so by the time you have to mail them they're ready to go? Same if you're an e-mail sender - they can be stored in the "drafts" section of your provider and be sent whenever you want to send them. I already picked out some funny e-cards to write my wishes on, copy-pasting the actual text will take no time at all once I have all the addresses sorted.

And for the last-minute shoppers among us - you know how frenzied it gets on Christmas eve, why, seriously, why aren't you getting the gifts tomorrow while strolling through the mall? You don't even have to get all of them, just the one for your partner, or your parents, or your friend. And the day after you can get the next one, on your way home from work.

What about food, do you have to cook the dinner for a big group? Is there a way you could contact your butcher and pre-order whatever piece you need so you can just go pick it up when the time comes? Or can you buy it now and freeze it? Plus, in the spirit of sharing (the workload), do you really have to do everything yourself, or can Aunt Mae bring the pie and your brother prepares the salad? Or maybe you'd like to flee this year altogether and take a vacation - have you already looked at flights and hotel availabilities?

We've touched on this before, it's the same concept: taking one big thing and breaking it down into smaller pieces, so it won't hit you all at once. And there's plenty you can do now to make the holidays more relaxed for you and your loved ones. Besides, it's all about friends and family really, isn' it. Not about how many presents or the size of turkeys. Get together with people you love, hug 'em and enjoy having them around. That's the best present ever.

Have fun and a great time preparing; this year nothing will stress you out if you don't want it to.

Til next time!

PS - you know what makes a great gift? Coaching vouchers! ;-)

A week ago I had a poll online that one of you was kind enough to comment on. The question was, what does a Coach need most, empathy or experience? Turns out, the voter chose experience, and he explained it to me in an email.

In his opinion, empathy is something a Coach needs, but empathy alone is not enough. He didn't want someone to be able to cry with him and feel sorry for his situation, who wasn't able to help him out of it. That, he felt, would be better achieved by someone with experience. I could imagine many of you feel the same way, so here's what I'd like to add:

In order to explain my position, let's start by looking at what empathy and experience mean to me. Wikipedia starts off it's empathy article by saying: "Not to be confused with Pity, Sympathy, or Compassion." Empathy describes the ability to imagine and to feel how someone else feels in a particular situation. For example, in a Coaching situation the client may talk about the relationship to his parents in a matter-of-fact manner. An empathetic coach will listen to the words, possibly have an eye on body-language, and open a channel inside himself to let in all that is spoken in between the lines. He might become aware that his heart is beginning to race, his fists want to clench and his breathing turns shallow.

At this point, the coach is in a position to verify with the client and ask something like "How does this make you feel?" Depending on the client's reaction, he'll see whether he picked up the right vibe or not (in this case: anger). The coach would then ask many questions that the person may not have asked themselves about possibilities how to deal with the situation and improve it under their own steam. It is my belief (and indeed the premiss of the Coaching profession) that everybody has inside themselves all the resources they need to live their lives fully. Imagine a static windmill that needs a little breeze to get its rotators moving again - sometimes people just need a nudge in the direction of where to find their own strength and ability.

Now, just to be clear, while the coach may be experiencing feelings that the client may have been communicating on some level or another, the coach is well aware that those are not his own feelings. They are in a way because they happen inside of him, but the coach is aware of how they were triggered and that they have no real basis in his own life. Therefore, he may take a minute to get his heart-rate down again, but he shouldn't be affected in terms of feeling the anger all the way and letting it cloud his judgment or act out as a consequence of feeling angry. Let me put this in a picture: when you're sitting at the bottom of a well crying your heart out, your Coach will not jump down to be with you. He knows how it feels to be alone and sad down there, but he'll stay up top, because only from there can he point out a way back up to the surface. If he were down there with you, you'd both be stuck.

When I asked what I, a new coach in the field, would need to do to convince the voter to hire me and give me a chance, he answered: simple, tell me more about yourself. Which brings us to the experience part. Having experience and knowing what you're doing is undoubtedly as important in Coaching as it is in any other profession. What makes things more interesting though, is that in Coaching, life experience counts. So in my case, we're talking 32.5 years of relating to friends, colleagues and of course family members from different nations and generations, a couple of long-term relationships that have taught me quite a bit (as well as the marriage that just keeps getting better), a few jobs that were not only work- but interpersonal learning extravagances and of course the five different countries I've lived in and was successfully integrated into.

Besides all that, it is my belief that every person (read: client) is different. Whatever experience I may have made with or whatever lessons I may have learned from Client A, might not help me with Client B, because they're two different people with two different sets of issues and two different sets of resources. However, it is safe to say that the more people you deal with, the more you're able to gauge how they need to be treated - but that's going back to the above empathy.

In an attempt to shed some more light on my educational background and work experience, I've added a link to my profile on www.linkedin.com. You can find the button on the left-hand side, between my blogger profile and the button to subscribe to this blog. If there's anything else you'd like to know, drop me a line.

Til next time!

PS - you won't find a more experienced guy than him... Gerald M. Weinberg, highly successful writer, tremendously experienced consultant and genuinely talented (and nice!) guy has recommended my blog to his readers. If you haven't already, do check out his at secretsofconsulting.blogspot.com.

I've just been reading through some of the last posts and found that I still owe you an account of the recent highschool reunion I went to! So, as promised in The Perfect Myth, here goes:

I was nervous, but I brought help: a little Dutch courage and a great friend. Of course, the timing of this event was great, too. It was just one week after my Coaching Seminar, in which I had such a great time and ample opportunity to learn about myself, my reaction to others and their possible reactions to me, so its effects were still palpable. The knowledge that I am good just the way I am and that what I do is sufficient went a long way in making me feel confident. This self-esteem or self-respect if you will empowered me to basically just go in there head held high and confront some of those bad memories I have of my school days.

Alas, the guys who had worst offended me weren't there. I can only speculate that their presence wouldn't have made a difference, because I had fun and once I was there, the fear and nervousness was gone. There were a couple of moments when I wanted to fall back into my old teenager-habits of pleasing others by making myself as insignificant as possible, but that's when my friend swooped in and sang my praises. I never could deal well with compliments, but I'm learning to accept them gracefully when they're bestowed. The way I see it, it's the greatest compliment that someone special thinks just as highly of you as you do of them - so why fight it?

In the end, I had the chance to reconnect with childhood friends and I'm also more or less up-to-date in terms of village-gossip. What was most interesting though was to find out that people I thought never liked me when we were young now came up to me and we had nice conversations. I'm pretty sure I didn't imagine their hostile attitudes all those years ago, so what has changed? We've grown older and wiser and just want to get along with everybody? Perhaps. Or is it that my own attitude has changed and that maybe they're still behaving the same way but I'm now listening with different ears? I'm not ready and willing anymore to take any and every criticism to heart and think they're right. I now refuse to accept evaluations and comments about my behaviour as absolute truths and put-downs of my person. I understand now that kids sometimes lash out not because they're evil but out of uncertainty and insecurity.

I'm not saying all is well and miraculously everybody went from hating to loving me. I'm sure some people still can't stand my guts, and that's ok. What I'm saying is, I've found a way to deal with that fact. And if I can, so can you. There simply is no pleasing everybody, and it may help to keep in mind that there are people you don't like either. After all, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves, our attitudes. Once you're ok with yourself, once you find that esteem and respect for yourself, the stuff other people say about you won't knock you off balance so easily.

I invite you this week to think about things you can do to feel good about yourself. In case you get stuck, call a friend. :-)

Til next time!

This week I'd like to elaborate a little on the topic we brushed last week - choices and decision-making.

We've all heard the decision-making tips, right? Let's recap for a minute. In simplistic terms, you always (ALWAYS) have at least three options: go forward, go back, or stay the same. There are several ways to choose between these options. According to circumstances, you can: toss a coin, ask a friend/neighbour/relative, listen to your gut or go methodical by writing down the pros and cons and looking at black-on-white scenarios to see which appears to yield the best outcome. Quick decisions are usually gut- or coin-induced, more wide-ranging ones take some time and deliberate thinking. In any case, you always have the choice to say "no" and you can always say, "ask me again in a little while, I need to think about this" (unless you're James Bond saving the world from aliens, or you're wondering whether to run out of a burning building or something).

I just wonder, why is it called "agony" to have options? I think it's great! Do I sometimes envy the women of Jane Austen's era who didn't have to do anything but look pretty, be accomplished and wait for a guy to marry them? Sure! Sounds like an easy enough life, doesn't it? Not having to think for oneself, having everything planned out from the day you were born, no influence or chance of change for the life that you're destined to live... No change = no fuss.

But hey, wait a minute: no influence = no life? I don't know if I would have been a person to question things that seem to run so smoothly, but imagine if I were... I would have felt trapped! Cheated! Helpless! Caged! Can I just thank the ladies of the burning bras for not giving up and making possible the freedoms I can enjoy today? You're my heroes! Rock on! Now, if you'd only have found a way to give us the freedom without the obligations...

Until not so long ago "they" tried making things as easy as possible (i.e. the Government decided about your job, your source of news and your religious affiliation) in the former GDR, that's Eastern Germany, if I remember correctly. Don't quote me, I'm no historian, but after the wall came down there were plenty of people who were delighted to embrace new stuff like freedom of speech and being able to travel anywhere they want. At the same time, there were those, too, who fell into a hole not knowing what to do, because they never had to take care of things themselves. I would like to make absolutely clear that there's no judgment here about those people whatsoever; they were simply not used to the responsibility and most likely overwhelmed by the change. I wonder if they did get used to it in the end though, and do they think things have improved, or if they wished the wall and the old regime back up again.

I guess my question is, if you're afraid of making decisions and find having options agonising, would you be prepared to accept the alternative and live in a society where you have limited or no choice?

Here's to having your cake and eat it, too...

Til next time!

In your strive for a balanced, happy life, have you ever come across the difficulty of negotiating between your head and your heart? Rationally you favour one course of action, but your gut tells you something else? It's frustrating at the best of times, and can turn downright annoying, and not to mention paralysing, at the worst. So how have you handled these situations in the past, is there a rule you can follow?

I'd say it depends on the situation. I know this sounds vague and will turn off those of you who like things to be black or white. I know this because I'm one of you. It's philosophically safe to say though that we do not live in a world of absolutes. Everything is relative, even reality. After all, we do all have our very own perceptions of the things happening inside and around us. That can be frustrating too, but it's also a great lesson in tolerance and flexibility. But I digress - back to the situations:

Say you're at work and your boss demands some dodgy paper-shredding of you. Your head says uh-huh... but your gut's not convinced. This is assuming you're an honest sort of person while your boss is involved in some criminal activity. In this case, listening to your gut may be the way to go, even though it will be tough in the short run what with refusing a direct order and getting into trouble with your boss, possibly even losing your job. However, in the long run, imagine you doing the shredding, the excrement eventually hitting the fan and you being put behind bars for assistance in the wrongful deed. No amount of "I felt I shouldn't have" will get you out of there, buddy.

Then take the recently split-up couple. Things had been rough for a while, words have been said that can't be taken back, one of you moves out. Of course this abrupt change leaves you unsettled, of course you still have feelings for the other, but you know full well that you won't be able to trust them again. Every time the phone rings you get butterflies, and you want to answer, but your head says no. You're hurt, you're protecting yourself, you need some time. But if it feels so good, how can it be wrong?

There's no rule when to follow either of our decision-making centers. In matters of the heart, the romantically inclined will listen to their heart. Does it always lead to Prince Charming? I doubt it. Yet at the same time, we don't want to think relationships through, because it's so rational, they never do that in the movies, and relationships just can't be rationalised like that. Feelings have to be taken into account. To spin the story a bit further, there are four possible endings as I see them: 1. you stay broken up but you never get over it and subsequently live a life of broken-hearted solitude, 2. you stay broken up, get used to it, and move on, 3. you get back together but realise it's been a mistake and break up for good a short while later, 4. you get back together and have a happy ending. I'm inclined to bet that whatever happens, no matter which result you end up with, you'll say in 99 % of the cases: "I knew it". So why not trust your instinct from the start, no matter where it's coming from?

As for those more rational situations, some say that there are simply things you have to do in order to get ahead in this world, whether you're comfortable with them or not. What good is money though if you can't sleep at night because your conscience keeps you awake? This goes back to the values-article I wrote two weeks ago, if you fancy having a look at it.

The decision, as always, lies with your good self. You have unlimited options how to lead your life, and it is your responsibility to check out the ones that appear most appealing. If head and heart can't come to a consensus, don't fret, just do. Toss a coin if need be. The only thing worse than indecision must be being stuck! Decision-making is nothing to be afraid of - if you get it wrong, you may not be able to go back, but you can change course and take another route at any time.

Til next time!