BUILDING THE LIFE YOU WANT

This week I'd like to elaborate a little on the topic we brushed last week - choices and decision-making.

We've all heard the decision-making tips, right? Let's recap for a minute. In simplistic terms, you always (ALWAYS) have at least three options: go forward, go back, or stay the same. There are several ways to choose between these options. According to circumstances, you can: toss a coin, ask a friend/neighbour/relative, listen to your gut or go methodical by writing down the pros and cons and looking at black-on-white scenarios to see which appears to yield the best outcome. Quick decisions are usually gut- or coin-induced, more wide-ranging ones take some time and deliberate thinking. In any case, you always have the choice to say "no" and you can always say, "ask me again in a little while, I need to think about this" (unless you're James Bond saving the world from aliens, or you're wondering whether to run out of a burning building or something).

I just wonder, why is it called "agony" to have options? I think it's great! Do I sometimes envy the women of Jane Austen's era who didn't have to do anything but look pretty, be accomplished and wait for a guy to marry them? Sure! Sounds like an easy enough life, doesn't it? Not having to think for oneself, having everything planned out from the day you were born, no influence or chance of change for the life that you're destined to live... No change = no fuss.

But hey, wait a minute: no influence = no life? I don't know if I would have been a person to question things that seem to run so smoothly, but imagine if I were... I would have felt trapped! Cheated! Helpless! Caged! Can I just thank the ladies of the burning bras for not giving up and making possible the freedoms I can enjoy today? You're my heroes! Rock on! Now, if you'd only have found a way to give us the freedom without the obligations...

Until not so long ago "they" tried making things as easy as possible (i.e. the Government decided about your job, your source of news and your religious affiliation) in the former GDR, that's Eastern Germany, if I remember correctly. Don't quote me, I'm no historian, but after the wall came down there were plenty of people who were delighted to embrace new stuff like freedom of speech and being able to travel anywhere they want. At the same time, there were those, too, who fell into a hole not knowing what to do, because they never had to take care of things themselves. I would like to make absolutely clear that there's no judgment here about those people whatsoever; they were simply not used to the responsibility and most likely overwhelmed by the change. I wonder if they did get used to it in the end though, and do they think things have improved, or if they wished the wall and the old regime back up again.

I guess my question is, if you're afraid of making decisions and find having options agonising, would you be prepared to accept the alternative and live in a society where you have limited or no choice?

Here's to having your cake and eat it, too...

Til next time!

In your strive for a balanced, happy life, have you ever come across the difficulty of negotiating between your head and your heart? Rationally you favour one course of action, but your gut tells you something else? It's frustrating at the best of times, and can turn downright annoying, and not to mention paralysing, at the worst. So how have you handled these situations in the past, is there a rule you can follow?

I'd say it depends on the situation. I know this sounds vague and will turn off those of you who like things to be black or white. I know this because I'm one of you. It's philosophically safe to say though that we do not live in a world of absolutes. Everything is relative, even reality. After all, we do all have our very own perceptions of the things happening inside and around us. That can be frustrating too, but it's also a great lesson in tolerance and flexibility. But I digress - back to the situations:

Say you're at work and your boss demands some dodgy paper-shredding of you. Your head says uh-huh... but your gut's not convinced. This is assuming you're an honest sort of person while your boss is involved in some criminal activity. In this case, listening to your gut may be the way to go, even though it will be tough in the short run what with refusing a direct order and getting into trouble with your boss, possibly even losing your job. However, in the long run, imagine you doing the shredding, the excrement eventually hitting the fan and you being put behind bars for assistance in the wrongful deed. No amount of "I felt I shouldn't have" will get you out of there, buddy.

Then take the recently split-up couple. Things had been rough for a while, words have been said that can't be taken back, one of you moves out. Of course this abrupt change leaves you unsettled, of course you still have feelings for the other, but you know full well that you won't be able to trust them again. Every time the phone rings you get butterflies, and you want to answer, but your head says no. You're hurt, you're protecting yourself, you need some time. But if it feels so good, how can it be wrong?

There's no rule when to follow either of our decision-making centers. In matters of the heart, the romantically inclined will listen to their heart. Does it always lead to Prince Charming? I doubt it. Yet at the same time, we don't want to think relationships through, because it's so rational, they never do that in the movies, and relationships just can't be rationalised like that. Feelings have to be taken into account. To spin the story a bit further, there are four possible endings as I see them: 1. you stay broken up but you never get over it and subsequently live a life of broken-hearted solitude, 2. you stay broken up, get used to it, and move on, 3. you get back together but realise it's been a mistake and break up for good a short while later, 4. you get back together and have a happy ending. I'm inclined to bet that whatever happens, no matter which result you end up with, you'll say in 99 % of the cases: "I knew it". So why not trust your instinct from the start, no matter where it's coming from?

As for those more rational situations, some say that there are simply things you have to do in order to get ahead in this world, whether you're comfortable with them or not. What good is money though if you can't sleep at night because your conscience keeps you awake? This goes back to the values-article I wrote two weeks ago, if you fancy having a look at it.

The decision, as always, lies with your good self. You have unlimited options how to lead your life, and it is your responsibility to check out the ones that appear most appealing. If head and heart can't come to a consensus, don't fret, just do. Toss a coin if need be. The only thing worse than indecision must be being stuck! Decision-making is nothing to be afraid of - if you get it wrong, you may not be able to go back, but you can change course and take another route at any time.

Til next time!